What might have been
by sweetnessnme
Summary: Hawke is 'PREGNANT! A spin off oneshot from my story a 'unlikely pairing'. I hope you enjoy. a must read...


**Ok, so I had originally wrote this to go in my story, but I forgot about it. (it was done WAY before the story was posted.) I found when I was cleaning up my computer. I had just posted the chapter this was suppose to be in. Since I forgot about this it didn't quite fit anymore. But I didn't want to lose it. My Beta reader suggested I post this seperately and make it a 'oneshot'. So I am, I truly hope you all enjoy this...I loved anders from Awakening with his quirky humor, D.A.2 he was changed, brooding was kinda sexy and all, but he became unreal. Arishok makes my insides quiver...just sayin..lol..hope you enjoy. Please review...**

****I don't own D.A.2- or any of it's original characters.**

"Hawke, please be reasonable about this!" Anders called in a breathy voice. After he had confirmed her fears, she had left immediately through her wine cellar and back up into the Hawke-Amell estate. He was taller than she but Maker, did she walk fast. He was breathing heavily by the time he caught up to her. Finally dashing the last few feet, he grabbed her hand before she opened the vault door, knowing if she did that they wouldn't be able to talk truly in private because of her servants.

"Hawke, you are not even half the size of their Qunari females, and they still have trouble delivering their young! I'm asking – no, _begging_ – please, don't do this! I can give you a tea. You'll feel pain for a few days and then it will be all over. _Please_."

Anders was pleading with her. She understood his fear. She knew he had loved her almost since the beginning, but she had never felt that way towards him. He had always been a great healer, and a decent friend, but he was crossing a line here, one she was not going to cross. Ever!

"They said I wasn't made to handle intimacy with their kind as well. They told me this. The Arishok went into detail about how even some of their women can't handle it, how it is worse when they are in rut. It takes multiple Qunari females to handle it when their males go into rut." Stepping close to Anders, she whispered the rest. "Yet I not only handled intimacies, but I alone handled the Arishok when he was in rut, and I lived and am able to walk. Now I'm carrying the whole purpose of Qunari mating. I will not end this, Anders, not for you. I'm sorry, I know this pains you. I – I just couldn't live with myself if I did that."

With that, Hawke turned on her heels and walked through the door up into the estate. Anders was reeling. He turned and headed back down to the sewers to go to the Hanged Man and let the others know of Hawke's new condition. Maybe Fenris could shed some light on what was going to happen if she continued, and everyone else could hopefully talk some sense into her thick skull.

"She's _what?_" Aveline asked, shocked to her core at what Anders had just told her.

"How is that possible, Blondie?"

Varric asked the obvious questions, ones Anders had been asking himself since his magic told him what his b rain didn't want to comprehend.

"I don't know, Varric," was all he could answer.

"And you're saying she refuses to get rid of it?" Varric asked again. He had lost count of how many times he'd asked this same question now.

"She claims she 'couldn't live with herself if she did that', but she isn't understanding that she very well might not live through the pregnancy, let alone the delivery," Anders said, exasperated.

"Isn't that what you're here for, Mage?" Fenris growled out. This was the first time he had spoken since Anders had come in and luckily found them all together for a game of Wicked Grace and drinking.

The table went quiet as the elf stood up from the table. All were looking at him.

"She has been honored where no other female of her kind has before, and not only that, but lived to tell the tale. He has honored her more by allowing her to conceive a Qunari offspring. Not only _that_, but the Arishok is one of the three most powerful beings in all of their people. This has never been before. She could be carrying the next Arishok."

Silence reigned while the others took in all Fenris said.

"This is all she has left of him, and of a family," Aveline stated as she, too, stood. "I have watched her lose every one of her family members, from her brother Carver to the Ogre, to Bethany to the blighted Darkspawn poisoning, to her mother to blood magic. We all tried to be there for her when her mother passed, but she wouldn't let us. But the Arishok was. I'll never forget how distraught she was when he left. It was worse than all of them combined. I think it was like losing them all over again all at once. She was comatose for two weeks after. I don't want to know what she'd do if she lost this… baby."

"Blondie, looks like you'd better freshen up on your midwifery. Haha, looks like we're gonna have a little Hawkeling running around." Varric tried to smile weakly, standing as well. But joking aside, his eyes showed his worry and fear, as did all of theirs except Merrill, who jumped up and, with sparkling eyes and glee in her voice, clapped her hands in joy.

"Hawke's going to have a baby? I wonder if she'll have a girl or a boy! Well, is there a difference with Qunari babies? I wonder what they look like." She only stopped when Varric called her 'Daisy' and grabbed her hand in the way he normally did to let her know she was rambling again.

Anders sat, looking from one face of their makeshift group to another. The only one missing was Sebastian, but he knew that was for the best. There was no love lost between the two of them but Anders knew the Chantry boy would make it extra hard on Hawke, whether she kept or got rid of the… baby (he had to say the word sometime). The Chantry would get involved and quite possibly a mob would come after her, with all the zealots left in the city that had no love for anything Qunari. So this was ultimately about protecting Hawke and as long as he kept that in mind he was sure he could get through this.

He thought, _Oh Maker, Hawke. What have you gotten me into this time?_

"I wonder if there are any major differences between human pregnancies and Qunari?" Hawke asked when Anders was bent over, doing their daily check-up. He wasn't leaving anything to chance since this was his first Qunari pregnancy, and his first mixed-breed, and it was Hawke.

He and Fenris took up an almost constant visual on her. None of them knew for certain that everything was going to be okay, that she'd make it through this, so everyone took turns watching her. Anders and Fenris moved into her estate to be close by should anything happen. Aveline and Donnic moved into the keep, which was literally right next door, and Varric and Merrill took up residence in Fenris's 'borrowed' mansion around the block. Varric spent early mornings with Hawke, only to leave around lunchtime to 'keep up appearances' in the Hanged Man until night, then he'd sneak back up to Hightown to Fenris's mansion and do it all over again.

Aveline and Donnic took evening meals with Hawke and stayed to play a few games before retiring to the keep. Throughout the day Aveline came by and talked with her when she had a few moments to spare, but before she left she always veered to Anders's room to ask for updates.

Merrill stayed most of the day, making health potions or vitamins for Hawke and the baby, forcing Hawke to go outside into her courtyard and dig in her garden. Hawke hadn't even known she had a garden. But usually Merrill would wear on all their nerves by lunch, so Anders would send her out to collect more herbs.

A month had passed with this structure when Hawke wanted to know for sure how far along she was and how the health of the baby was progressing.

"Couldn't you count back from when you were with the Arishok?" Anders asked, slightly annoyed that the once strong and proud warrior Hawke he knew had been replaced by an annoying, whiny hypochondriac of a first-time mother.

"No," was all she said, while looking away.

"No? What do you mean, no?" Anders demanded, letting his surprise and annoyance out. A warning growl came from the corner, one he chose to ignore.

"I said what I meant. No." Hawke crossed her arms across her ample chest. It had always been a nice chest, with perfect-sized breasts that just over-filled a man's hands. Now they could easily over-fill a Qunari's massive hands. She had to have grown at least three cup sizes.

Shaking his head to refocus his thoughts, Anders stood and crossed his own arms, glaring at her now. "I know Lothering isn't known for its education system, but you're a smart girl, Lizzy. I know you can count." He purposely sounded condescending. He knew how to get her riled up, and judging by the look on her face, he had.

"You bloody _vashedan _bitch! I can't because he was in rut!" she yelled, her glorious face a dark shade of red – whether from anger or embarrassment, Anders wasn't sure. What she said wasn't lost on him. She had said something about 'in rut' before, but what was that? And _what _had she just called him?

"Did you just call me a –" he began to ask.

Laughter from the corner confirmed what he thought. "Yes. Yes, she did."

Growling, he matched Hawke's glare with his own as he continued. "'In rut'. What is that?" No answer came right away, making him feel uneasy, and he started to yell. "If I'm supposed to be your physician, I need to know everything! Even something minor could mean life or death!"

"Calm down, Mage!" came an order from the voice in the corner again. Anders glowed slightly blue and turned on the voice, magic glowing in his hands, ready to strike, when a small hand reached out and took hold of his own. That one small gesture brought back Anders and soothed Justice. He looked into Hawke's soft, bright blue eyes and sat down next to her.

"'In rut' is a Qunari term. The closest translation in our tongue is 'in heat', but even that isn't right. It only happens to the alpha males once every few years, and not until they reach full maturity. There is no set time; it just happens when it happens. But it is painful for the male to be in rut and not mate. He becomes aggressive, and his… animal nature… takes over. He is helpless to stop once he starts. As he explained to me, if he is not given a female – and it is usually several – he will attack anyone he sees. He becomes a mindless animal, sniffing out the closest female in heat, taking her whether she is willing or not, and he has no control over it. This was his fourth time in rut, so he knew what to expect. He was worried since this was the longest time he had gone between ruts. He had never heard of this long a time."

"How long?" Anders couldn't help his curiosity. Although disgust was there as well, he was hiding it as best he could, knowing how much it hurt her.

"Seven years. He said normally it is every three to five years, never longer."

Seeing the question in his eyes, knowing he was going to interrupt again, Hawke held up her hand to hold him off.

"He said the reason was because the longer one went without, the longer and more violent the rut is. Usually his last two to three weeks, and he could be with as many as fifteen females in that time. Rutting is their way of procuring the strongest chances of breeding with strong partners. Usually the offspring are stronger than the ones born not in rut, so they usually become the higher-ups in the Qun. And every rut, they test the offspring to see if they have another Arishok, Arigena or Ariqun. Though there hasn't been one since the ones who hold the positions now."

"So you could quite possibly be carrying a child that can ascend to one of those positions?"

"Yes."

To say Anders was shocked was an understatement. He quietly took in all she had said, processing it in his head. "You said he is normally with more than one female while in rut. Who else was he with? We might have several women in jeopardy!"

Hawke grabbed his hand again as that realization made him jump up to leave. Catching his attention, she continued. "It was just me. He called for me as soon as he noticed the signs, not wanting to wait and chance his people."

"Why you?" asked Fenris.

"Because… he smelled my desire for him from the first time we met. He knew I'd be willing." Looking at both men, she finished, "And I was."

"How long? How long, Hawke?"

"A month. Remember after my mother was murdered? I pushed you all away. I was lonely, but scared to let anyone else close again. I couldn't protect anyone, not anymore. It was then."

"He used you when you were in grief!" Anders yelled.

"No, no, he didn't. I wanted it, needed it. I didn't want to feel alone anymore. I wanted to feel numb. I couldn't turn to anyone else. I couldn't protect my family, how could I protect anyone else? But he – he is quite capable of taking care of himself, plus the army of soldiers at his back. I gave in to the numbing pain, only to have him bring me back and make me feel, feel emotion I hadn't wanted to: pain, physical, emotional, mental. We dueled at first. He said to battle my grief, and so I did. That went into the emotional side, and he took me then. Did you know, when in rut, to ensure that he impregnates you, there's this thing called a lock. It's when their – member – swells up once inside of you and it locks you together, only breaking after so much time."

"Like how a mabari mates?" Anders asked, sounding different: not angry or disgusted, but like he had an idea.

"I've heard of this," Fenris stated, while thinking more on what had been said. "It breaks for a few moments to allow the changing of partners, and to relieve oneself, or to sleep and eat. Though I had heard that when in rut there is little sleeping or eating, just enough to keep the body going."

"Yes, I slept in four or five hour increments. I'm not sure if he slept at all. I remember they gave us specific foods, things known to boost energy and health. They also gave me potions to heal me, and painkillers, muscle relaxers. There were other things, too, vitamins and such."

"All to help you survive and get through it, no doubt."

Anders leaned over and blue-green light glowed from his hands again as he assessed the baby. At that time, Merrill skipped into the room with flowers in her hands, humming to herself. She lit up when she noticed Hawke in the room. She skipped over to tell her the news.

"The most wonderful thing happened! You remember that Qunari outside your door, collecting blades? Well, I was talking to him and asking him about traditional Qunari births and pregnancies. It was all really fascinating." She smiled as everyone in the room looked at her in shock and fear.

"You did _what?"_ Fenris yelled, charging towards her. She danced out of his way, looking shocked. She thought she had done them a favor. They had all been stressing about the unknown, but she now knew!

"You realize you have now put Hawke and the baby in danger? You stupid idiot!" Anders shouted as well.

"What? No! No, I haven't, I promise! I told him for every sword I find he has to answer a question. I find their swords all the time when I'm out picking herbs. He doesn't know about the baby or Hawke. I asked silly questions at first then went into questions about how long Qunari usually carry for and so forth. I think he thinks I like him… oh dear."

"How long?" asked Hawke.

"Oh, I've been asking him for about a week or two now."

"No! How long do they carry for?"

"Oh, he said roughly about fourteen months. That's a long time, isn't it? To be pregnant."

"If that's right, then by my guestimation, Hawke, you have about ten months left," said Anders.

Ten months, and Hawke would be a mother. Ten months with no fighting, ten months with them all hovering over her, ten months of holding dear to her what the Arishok gave her. She knew one of the potions the Qunari had been sending to her, he had not made her take. He, for once, had gone against the Qun, but none knew but him and her. It was his gift to her, a part of him. She had desired him from the moment they met, and he couldn't give her what she sought until then.

When he had left the city, she thought he had left her. But he hadn't; his refusal to take her with him was for her safety and his. If she had gone with him then, it would have been obvious that he turned his back on the Qun. He would have been killed for turning Tal-Vashoth. She would have been killed as well, for their baby would have been named Tal-Vashoth as well, and she a Bas who had corrupted their leader.

So he left her behind, with a piece of him.


End file.
